what is friendship?

The answer to this question may depend on what or how the people see it through their own perspectives. Because as for me, it is a matter of interrelatedness of two souls of which both must have a good determination to stay their friendship the way as it is. It is a tangled two distinctive souls but are bound together to produce a good relationship. But to consider the individuality that a person has. Is it possible to come up with a good relationship such as friendship?

Further as to some of my experiences which I must say personal, I have been in too many different kinds of friendship and each of them has of course distinctive ways to be called as one – that which I found so weird ‘cause in this age I just realized that why I even had different kinds of friend when until now I still can’t find a real one. Actually, there were no standards I prefer with, no attitude as requirement, neither looks and built. I was just maybe not still satisfied with the people whom I called friends. Friends. Friends for me are the ones that understand and could catch your inner conscience as how you expected, the ones that help you out in trouble without expecting a help back, the ones that could make you smile when you don’t even want to, they’re the ones that would easily help you out from the challenges you face without receiving a call from you, they’re the ones that could read your mind as if your souls were in much connections than the way you communicate to each other, and of course, they are the ones that would treat you as family – as someone who is so special.

For 19 years of being an imperfect existent in this planet, and for having hundreds and more friends, I am not still satisfied with the relationship that I had with these random people. My family was the only companion I have and I thought I was contented of having them beside me, but then of course there were things that are just too complex to share with them. I was longing for a perfect companion, a good one, an understanding friend that would at least hear my inner voice and could comfort my sad spirit that was also longing for a perfect one. But there was no one to be considered as perfect.

My happy and colorful crust was an opposite to my core. I may look fine but in the deepest part of me was an actual battle between life and obstacles and I am in need for someone to help me out from this insanity that is living under. But who? There was no one as imperfect as me to be acknowledged as who I was looking for. Maybe at some degree, there’s just me. A ‘me’ that would only understand me. Because after all, it’s only myself that could understand all the mess I have done, all the insanity I am having, and all the misunderstandable things I am dealing.

What is friendship? Personally my answer would be, friendship is an imaginary matter that existed through human minds. Referring to my experiences, I never had seen what friendship really is, it was just a false relationship invented by common people that have no thinking or too oblivious to be sensitive.  Our mind possesses such knowledge by which gives us the capability to be sensitive yet emotions surround it. We easily get attached to the things people show us without realizing that those things are just fake virtues by which people misinterpret as kindness and admiration. There is no such thing as friendship. Each people has an individual capacity to think and to be aware. Thus, it is indeed impossible for someone to link his self to others.

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Why

Staring at the deep blue ocean sky,
pictures came right into my woeful eyes.
Happiness and memories entwined
as I reminisce those times you were still mine.

Lying in warm fresh grasses again,
I thought of things once again.
Figuring out how those moments we usually ain
vanished as if those were never gained.

The time I met you, the moment I saw you;
it was the moment I felt love is doubtlessly true.
Yet time passes and felicities vanish,
I suddenly changed into someone foolish.

Crying and flinching from the pain you gave
for this day is just too jovial to behave.
I can’t mend the pain, I cannot relieve the ache,
for I am still hoping that someday you would give
the answer in “why did you leave?”

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Do we really need someone to be with?

We live in a planet where humankind is emotionally dangerous. It is so sad to acknowledge the fact that wherever we put ourselves into somewhere we think is safer, there will still be people who’ll keep trying to murder our soul and strip our dignity out from us as human being, as if we’re not one. At certain times, we came to the point where we often question ourselves “Am I really not that nice so they can’t even get along with me the way they get along to others?”, we start digging hypotheses, hoping we could maybe just maybe find out the reason why. Why these things are happening, why is it so hard for us to make companions? Was it really ourselves or its just them who cannot appreciate even a single hair in our skin?

And maybe yes. Maybe its just them. They don’t deserve an attention from us and will never deserve any. I mean, who are they? They’re just a bunch of colossal niggas who are trying to stop us from becoming somehow better than the way they think. Jealousy and insecurity are some of the smelly diseases of this society where we are inhaling with. Beware because these are contagious.

So instead of getting along and hanging out with people we know don’t even deserve our vulnerable attentions, why not try start focusing just in ourselves. Not saying, we don’t need any companions or friends, the point here is there is no one left. I mean, all people we meet especially in this generation possess one of the diseases I mentioned and only stupid people are numb to smell those.

We deserve happiness. If we know we’re not happy enough with people we thought could make us happier but disappointingly not, this is the time we have to look inner to ourselves. What is it actually we are aiming for? Is it really to have companions or to know the true purpose why we were born? We don’t need someone to be our inspiration unless if its you, your family, and God. Because you know, these are the only trustworthy people that could surely help us climb no matter how much hard it is to take the first step. Remember, we’re not born to please anyone we’re here to be original and make our lives individually happy.

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If we are really meant for each other, then we sure are.

If we really are meant for each other, then we sure are. We can be apart for some time and sometimes it gets longer and it takes days, months, or even years before we cross our paths we’re wandering and meet again.

It’s too depressing to acknowledge the fact that one of us must leave just because everything that encircles us is against to our relationship. Though I know its too distressing for the one who was left behind because it would feel like an abandonment, but actually it is more painful for the person who says ‘good bye’.

Maybe this is love after all, that no matter how hard we try to grip and handle these challenges we encounter, no matter how hard we push ourselves just to stick to one each other, things will still keep ruining our relationship no matter what. But if we are really made to love each other, then time will come that we’ll meet in the same spot we used to say ‘this is love’. We just have to take place ourselves in the current scene and wait for the right time happens. The Happy Ending.

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The Huge Photograph that I Cannot Easily Burn

Everything has changed. Everything turned so different now. It is so sad to think how everything we did before has suddenly changed in one single blink. But the most stupid part is I still can’t forget and still remembering everything.

I still remember those mornings, I used to wake up each day with a cheerful smile in my face, knowing that this day will be a great day with the person I love. Knowing that there’s someone who is impatiently waiting for my reply or good morning texts. You used to bother me, you keep on ringing my phone and though its kind of disturbing I still shudder in delight knowing how keen you are in my presence. I really miss those moments that I am annoyingly knocked up but when I think of you, my mood quickly changed that even a clock could not measure how quick it was. Just a thought of you makes everything heaven-scent. I remember waking up each day knowing that there is at least one person who needs me more than I do with myself.

I still remember those days, we used to wander the whole city without any rational reason, like we just wanna be together for the whole day and that simply makes us completely happy. We used to sit in a bench and talk about our futures, about us together. Arguing how our relationship would be like after 20 years or more, how our relationship would end up, or how would we end up together like forever. We used to hold hands each time we walk by the street. We used to do hugs and kisses even when there are lot of people around just to tell them that we are happy together and nothing can tear us apart. You used to say I love you and I do the same.

I remember those nights, those bone-chilling nights we used to cuddle and have long conversations about this sickening life and this world and this realm we are living. I still remember the charming words you used to utter before going to sleep. I still do.

But then, I just woke up one day. Sadly, all those things are just now memories. Memories that I will bring in my entire life. Memories that I cannot let go and still in my hands because I just cannot throw them that easily, I cannot easily throw the person I used to love and used to love me.

It’s too ironic, isn’t it? That you used to be my world but now you’re just one huge photograph of my life that I cannot easily burn.

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This crazy goddamn thing they call “Love”

Crazy isn’t it? That no matter how difficult it is to fight this feeling, no matter how hard to find an escape and force ourselves to avoid this whole goddamn thing they call “love”. We cannot still find the perfect perforation, we’re still stuck in a place which we assumed a paradise but disappointingly not. Feels like we are combating to an endless fight, which we do not deserve. Lying in a battleground instead of bed of roses. Living like hell instead of heaven. And feels like we are some sort of machines that are not capable to do something, that only this thing they call “love” have the rights to regulate and control us.

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and that’s fine

I wish I was that person, that fortunate person, the person you’ve always dream of, the person you seek every where your feet put you into, the person you think every night before you catnap and snooze, and the person you call when you wake up each dawn.

I wish I am him, the one you always meditate, the one you needed in day-to-day, the one you misses when not near.

I wish I was that person, that damn lucky person. Having you to safeguard him. Having you as his lover, having you the person who I love the most in this world.

I wish I was yours, your perfect lover, your tissue whenever you cry when you’re hurt, your cup when you want some tea and coffee, your towel when you need to take a shower, your plate when you want to be fed, your slippers when you want to walk away, your blanket when you want to cuddle, your pillow when you want someone to embrace with, your lyrics when you want to compose, and your words when you want to write poems.

I can be everything you want me to, I can do all the things he never did for you. I can do them all. But I couldn’t. Because I’m not yours, will never be yours, and that’s fine.

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A Someone or a Something?

Here I am again. Pondering the lunacy that keeps on glitching in my psyche. Some nights, I found myself chasing down a star picturing what would it be like to be there above in everything, what would it be like to be something that the whole world couldn’t reach, that you are capable to see everything in the universe, that you keep on shining even without doing anything at all.

Some times, I wanted to be something mysterious, something cryptic, something that humanity would die in searching because they care a lot. I wanted to be part of mysteries and observe if there’s someone cares when I’m gone, if there is something new happened when I disappeared. Because maybe in that way I could find the answer of this insanity I am living with.

I just can’t really guess what is it that lacks in my life. Is it a someone or a something? I have thoughts, I have always something in my head each and every night. After all thoughts are thoughts and I always end up sleeping, snoozing, and dreaming. Dreaming for the thought that maybe my dreams could take me into somewhere that could cure this madness I have.

A someone or a something? Most mornings, I wake up hoping some air could whisper through my precious ears, hoping they could tell me the answer, hoping they could tell where I could find the missing piece in my life. Is it really a someone or a something? Oh dear. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out either. “Can you give me even just a single hint?” I softly questioned the wind that fondles my lips. And still there is nothing happened, I didn’t hear anything nor feel something distinct.

As I rose myself from this bed where I doze every time and every freaking night I get tired, I decided to guzzle some coffee. Maybe a bundle of caffeine could knock up this insanity that softly kills my system. I sip and gulp, it took 5 seconds to realize there is nothing came out. “I don’t think caffeine is the answer” I uttered throwing a glance to a cup of coffee that is placed above the table. I get myself up, cleaned everything, put the chair back to where it belongs, but I just left the cup hanging over the table.

I was about to leave the living area, when I threw a quick glance to the table and cup one last time “hmm. What a beautiful subject for depiction” I thought, realizing I was smiling just at the moment. These two has a better countenance than I have, they are a perfect combination, they can be something beautiful in the eyes of some people.

A sudden thought flashed in my head “I wonder when will be the time for me to find my perfect mate too?” not saying I’m in rush but, I am just kind of jealous to everything that they already have their perfect mate and I am always here being left behind, keeps on appreciating them, smiling to them, thinking how perfect they are to be together.

How I wish I could also be one of them, I wish I have also my mate. But what else can I do? I’m a sucker. I suck at everything, I suck at making friends, I suck at making my life better almost perfect.

A someone or a something? All my life, I’ve been asking that to the wind as it blows nothing. I’m incomplete, I’m not yet gratified with this life I have, with this system that life gave me. I deserve something more, I deserve something that could make me feel I am complete and someone that will accept me for who I am, or how badluck my life is, or how I suck at everything.

A someone or a something? I don’t know which of these two is the accurate response to my insanity. But maybe, they are both susceptible with my life. I need someone to make me feel I am something better than this.

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It Wasn’t You

It wasn’t you.

It was your brilliant eyes,

as deeply brown as desert skies

which give me reasons to smile.

It was your lips like ripest strawberries.

That flamed like scarlet wine,

saying they wanted to taste mine.

It was your soft hands,

As soft and sleek as girlish cheek.

Soft as the bed we used to sleep.

It wasn’t you.

The reason why I fell in love,

the reason why I can’t guess the feeling inside,

the reason why I am hurting,

the reason why my tears are falling,

though it hurts I am still smiling.

And it is still wasn’t you,

It wasn’t your words.

your sweet words as honey candies,

your actions, which we rhyme as we please.

It wasn’t you,

It wasn’t your fault how love took me to this.

It was me,

It was me who loves you,

no matter how hard it is to love you this way.

no matter how much you weigh,

no matter how the heck you become ugly,

no matter how hard to read your personality,

I still can find beauty

whenever i look in your innocent face,

in your your hazel eyes a sunset in disguise,

which give my world so much daze.

It wasn’t you, it was me.

And I love you in each and every way.

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I thought

I thought I moved on.

I thought I already threw the things that always make me think of you.

I thought I could get over you.

I thought I wouldn’t remember you anymore.

I thought I wouldn’t feel anything when I see you.

I thought I don’t have feelings for you anymore but why I still feel the same whenever you smile, talk, and look at me? Am I still in love or I just can’t let go the things that made me happier when you’re still mine?